Balance
by KNAMLF
Summary: Here's an oldie from another forum.


Stephanie hadn't seen Paul in 15 days. After the companies constant touring overseas, it felt like forever to her. She walked around her large house and looked in her girls' bedroom. Both of her babies were asleep. She sighed. She loved her children and her life, but recently she felt bored. It had been two months since she had given birth to her second daughter, Jessica. She had taken time off work for so long that she was almost frightened it would throw her out of the loop. She had a difficult pregnancy with Jess and thought it would be better prioritise her children before her career for a period of time. However, she had forgotten that it is difficult to be at home all day, being so career driven for so many years.

She tried to snap her mind out of the strop. Stephanie went to her bedroom to make herself presentable when her husband came home. She looked in the mirror, "chubby thighs, chubby arms, and a pop belly" she anatomised all the wrongs of her body. She had always been confident with her body; however after her second child she had become largely dissatisfied. She winced when Paul would touch her. She felt so grotesque; she didn't feel attractive enough for him for the first time in years. This resistance has certainly had an impact on their relationship. They had always been so playful, Stephanie thought, as she picked the least revealing outfit possible.

Not that Paul made it any better. He loved her, she knew that. However, he was always flirting even when she was around. It is an aspect she loved about him, but it has also left her insecure. She used to feel like she was everything Paul wanted. Now she felt like a domestic drudge of the 50's. Growing fat and moany while her husband was out chasing other girls. No, that was unfair, she was just in a dark place at the moment and she didn't know how to change it.

The door slammed downstairs. He was home! Despite everything she felt the butterflies in her stomach, full of excitement. She went downstairs in reception of Paul's usual charming grin..."Hey baby" They embraced, reciting how much they had missed each other between kisses. The rest of the night was spent catching up on the last few days and what the kids have been up to.

The two went up their large staircase entwined and getting ready for bed. They had been cuddling on the sofa, but Paul was visibly tired. Stephanie felt relief at this. It meant they could just go to sleep and she didn't have to worry about her body image for once. Paul, on the other hand, had different ideas. As they lay in bed holding each other, Paul ran his leg up her own as he kissed her. He loved the warmth and softness of her. It had almost been a year since they made love and he was getting desperate for her. They had always enjoyed being together and he couldn't understand her recent behaviour. He loved her with all of his heart. He knew he wasn't the perfect husband. They hardly even got to spend a moment alone together these days, surrounded by family and work. He missed it. He missed her.

As he hugged Stephanie into him, he felt her body stiffen..."Paul...baby...I can't". He sighed and slowly paused. He looked deeply at her with longing and unsatisfied yearning. She looked down from his fierce gaze, couldn't even face him. He tried to talk calmly despite his frustration. He knew it wasn't her fault, "Steph it's almost been a year". She didn't say anything as she crawled away from him into a ball. She didn't know what to say and felt just as frustrated, but she also felt hideous and uncomfortable in her own skin. She reached for his hand, "Paul listen, just not yet ok? I just can't right now" she said softly. He slowly removed his hand and went to take a shower, without a word. He was showing his disappointment, while Stephanie slept in a troubled slumber.

**Weeks Later**

As Stephanie's birthday approached Paul felt optimistic. He wanted to surprise her and make her feel loved. She was clearly under the weather these days and he was going to take it upon himself to change that. He spent the whole week trying to organise a surprise while in between he juggled house shows, events and family time. He talked to Vince and Linda about taking care of his girl's for a few days and got all sorts of surprises lined up for his wife.

The day approached and Paul and Stephanie drove the kids to her parent's house. She felt irked at leaving the two of them alone for the first time, clearly showing how uncomfortable she was with it;

"Call me the moment it seems like they need me"

"Oh and Jess needs to drink her medicine for her stomach"

"And Aurora..."

She continued with exasperation. She was Shocked to find all of them chuckling at her. Paul hugged her lightly as she blushed, "It'll be alright"

"Yeah" Her mom replied with a big smile, "I raised you didn't I?"

They all laughed and Stephanie started to feel at ease as they departed from the drive way.

The car approached their home and Steph was Shocked as they went past it, driving on. She had just thought they were spending some time alone together, nothing too dramatic. However, judging from Paul's smirk as he looked ahead at the road she realised he had something up his sleeve.  
"Where are we going?" she chimed slightly cautious.

"Oh somewhere real special" He replied with a Wink. As they stared at one another for a moment, Steph turned to look at the road ahead. She was looking forward to seeing what he had in store, but felt a mix of emotions as it was hard coming out of the bubble she felt she had become so accustomed to. Paul noticed her expression was troubled and laced his fingers with hers, lightly stroking her hand, "I want to make you feel good, honey. Now please give me a smile?" He pleaded while giving her puppy dog eyes that only few grown men could get away with. She had to chuckle and kissed him lightly as they drove on.

The road went on for hours. They talked and laughed and Stephanie felt at such ease for the first time in months. The weather was dark and sombre with a silence that seemed to suit the mood perfectly. It rained lightly but it was still relatively warm. She thought that this only enhanced a mood of romanticism as she couldn't help but cuddle up to Paul and enjoy herself. She listened to the soft music in the background and couldn't get the smile off her face.

The area they were going into was quite rural and the large homes were few and far between one another. She could see lots of green and the houses looked like barns as the sky turned purple and grey. It started to thunder as Paul turned into one of the large drive way's that was covered in mud and sewn with long grass; it seemed to stretch on forever. They had to run into the home as the car couldn't go any further otherwise they would be literally stuck in the mud. She had to stop for a moment and admire the view of the structure. It was wooden and rustic and there was hay in what looked like the attic that was completely open planned. They ran in to get away from the rain.

"How did you find this place, sweetie, its beautiful!" A breathless Stephanie gushed.

"Well you know I've always loved the outdoors baby"

They grinned at each other, like two kids in love. The inside was beautiful, with dark oak floors and walls and comfortable textile sofas. Paul went to light the fire at the dark fireplace. He knew he had to take things slowly with Steph if he wanted to get anywhere. He put on some music, her favourite Billie Holiday. "Aww you thought of everything!" She gushed as they hugged to get warmer. It was almost perfect.

"Now for your present" Paul announced.  
"As if this wasn't enough" She quipped. He grabbed her hand and led her to the pretty cottage looking bedroom. In the hallway before it, a mirror was hanged. Stephanie cursed it in her mind as it seemed to only snap her back into reality when she realised how big she felt. They entered the bedroom, with four thick oak poster sides for the bed and beautifully patterned cloth of red hanging down from them. She saw a big flat present at the end of the bed; it was wrapped in simple white tissue paper.

"Open it" Paul urged, clearly excited.  
As she did she uncovered an amazing painting of a lustrous woman holding a child. It was meant to represent Stephanie as a woman. The colours were vivid and it was the most thoughtful present she had ever received from him.

"Did you do it?" She asked as tears welled in her eyes.

"Yeah" He blushed, feeling shy despite himself.

She went to him and embraced him. They held each other, as he slowly led her to their bed. They relished the feel of each other. Suddenly Stephanie felt her chest tightening, and she tried to carry on despite it, tried to let go of her anxieties. She stopped. She slowly detangled herself away from her husband. Her lover who she could no longer even imagine herself with.

"What's wrong baby?" He hushed, "Stephanie you can trust me, why won't you let me in?" He pleaded softly.

She sat up, "Paul I just can't right now", as tears formed in her eyes.

"Why not?" said Paul calmly, "I thought you were stressed, so I brought you here, I planned everything to perfection so you could feel at ease, what on earth could be wrong?"

"You wouldn't understand" she whispered.

"Why don't you help me understand" he replied sharply.

"Paul you wouldn't understand" she cried, "I feel like a failure. I go stir crazy at home; I can't find my place at work. I am so unhappy with myself I can't even look in the mirror, YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND!"

Stephanie went and locked herself in the bathroom to calm down.

Paul did not understand. He did not understand how it had gone so wrong? He was so sure this was what they needed. It turns out he doesn't know at all, it was clear that the only way for Steph to get over her hang-ups is by convincing herself. He could tell her she was beautiful, treat her like a queen, paint her oil paintings, but she had to do this for herself and he did not know how to help her.

**Next Day**

Paul and Stephanie had arrived the next day barely speaking. They had gone to pick up their daughters and when Stephanie had gotten home she had gone straight upstairs and locked the door. Paul was repeating the past couple of days in his mind constantly. What had happened with him and his wife? Had he been a bad husband? And how long was this going to last? These thoughts were in a loop in his mind and he hoped he would find out today.

He was on his luxurious bus, heading towards Conneticut, where the Mcmahon's had decided to have a family barbeque. Paul thought it was an odd day to have a barbeque as the weather was grey and it was raining occasionally. However, they had to take whatever time that had off and make the most of it, Paul knew that very well. He hadn't spoken to his wife for almost a week, and despite trying to sympathise what she was going through, he couldn't help but feel a little mad at her. He was getting the cold shoulder and he didn't even know why. In the entire time he had known Stephanie, she had never treated him like this. She was the warmest and sweetest woman he knew, it was a big shock to him to find himself in this situation.

The bus curved past the trees towards the driveway. Paul got off the bus as the rain drizzled and walked towards the grand door. He let himself in. His senses were overwhelmed in the loveliest way as he saw the family laughing and joking, while the food smelled delicious and the mixture of the warmth of the home and the chill of the outside made him shiver in the most pleasant way. Above all this was what caught his attention most. There was his wife, who to him seemed like the centre of everything else going on. She had a beige top that just sloped past her breasts perfectly and was laughing. The light drizzle had clearly caught her while she was outside and she walked in with light speks of rain all over her skin, which made her shine. Paul shivered again.

As Stephanie walked in from her patio she froze as she caught his glare. Her heart started to beat loudly as her cheeks flushed from the mix of emotions and the warmth of the house. She felt a mix of longing and happiness and love as well as unease all at the same time. She felt so terribly for how she had been treating him. In that second it almost got the better of her as she almost wanted to cry to purge all of these emotions. However, her thoughts were cut short as her mother saw him.  
"Paul! You finally made it" The family crowded around and greeted him. Aurora hung on his neck and immediately started telling him stories of her triumphs in the garden. In the haze of people and sounds and smells, was the two of them. It was as if they were apart from the room even though they were in the centre, they knew eachother so well.

"Hey" Paul mumbled as he tossed an awkward smile towards his wife.

"Hey" she replied, flushed. They stared at eachother for a moment, then got caught up in the banter of the family. The kids running around, the dogs barking, the trickeling rain and the smoke from the barbeque. However, all the while despite the euphoria of what was around them, they were paying attention to eachother. They were paying attention to every movement the other made, and every word the other said. There was clarity in the fact that they both knew this. They knew what the other was at that moment. It even occurred to both how strange it was that they could sense the other so well, yet couldn't seem to work out what was going on between them.

***

Paul put the girls to bed and he was acutely aware of the calm that had come over the place as the hours had gone and the adults remained. There was calm chatter as soft music played in the background. All were pleasantly tipsy, and allowing the alcohol to enhance the feeling of comfort. Paul realised Steph wasn't in the kitchen. He stepped out to see her on the porch with her knees tucked in, thinking. He sat beside her.

Stephanie was feeling the effects of alcohol in her system and felt her emotions slightly heighten from it. As he sat beside her, her body immediately responded as she turned to face him. Somehow she had tears in her eyes.

"Paul...I'm sorry" she said gently, almost in whisper.

He looked at her and his front immediately crumbled as he reached for her lips. She was so warm.

"So what's been happening in the past few days?" He smiled almost jokingly. They both giggled and for that moment, the barrier's that they had been holding seemed to disolve.

***

"Come onnn Steph" prodded Shane. They were now all in the living area and her brother was teasing her again.

"I think Paul needs a bit on the side...only for his character of course!" joked Shane.  
Paul and Shane always did this to her. She found it hilarious as she tried to keep a stern face.

"Absolutely not, my husband does not need anyone else by his side...I mean in the ring of course" she chuckled as they all rolled their eyes.

Stephanie had melted into her husband on the couch and they were well at ease. She was happy at this moment. She felt comfortable and she had been really good all week. Her body was starting to shape up and overall she couldn't help but feel pleased.

"What about that eve girl?" Paul joked "She's clearly got a crush on me"

Stephanie's mind kickly became alert at the mention of someone's name. This joke had been going on for months, but a name had never been mentioned before. This made it feel so much more personal to her. She didn't quite know how to react. She knew he was joking, but the mention of another employees name made her so mad. It seemed to make it feel more real. Was this true? Why would she come up in his mind? Did he have a crush on her?

"Oooohhh that's true I've seen it with my own eyes" laughed Shane.

Linda saw her daughter straightening up, and although she was trying to hide it, any mother would know what was going through her mind right now.

"Are you boys teasing my baby girl again? I sincerely hope not!" She tried to diffuse the tension.

Paul was unaware, but as soon as he tried to cuddle up to her, he felt her move away. This was going to be a long night. Stephanie sat there with a slight frown...thinking.

In the bathroom as everyone went to bed, Stephanie was thinking. She had finally made a decision. She needed a break from her husband. She needed to grow personally and her constant insecurity around him was just keeping her back and unhappy. If she was going to be a good mother and a good wife she needed this. Otherwise, she truly feared what might happen. It killed her to know that she was unsure of the future. She didn't know whether Paul would put up with it, she didn't even know if he'd stick around. There was tightness around her chest and uncomfortable adrenalin in her stomach. She was willing to take the risk and the discussion was going to happen now. She heard Paul walk in the bedroom. She stepped out of the bathroom.

"Hey" he said in a hushed voice. He knew something was wrong. The tension was too thick to ignore.

The orange hue from the bathroom softened her outline and she looked beautiful. She fiddled with the hem of her top.

"Paul...we need to talk" The tears were already welling up. She couldn't bear this.

"What's going on, Stephanie you've thrown me in a loop for the past few months you really have. I just don't understand anymore!"

"I just can't do this anymore...I can't. I've tried but it's too much. You need to give me time and that just can't happen while we're around each other. I've spent every night crying myself to sleep and it's not going away. It isn't a good example for the girls and it's not fair on you. I don't know what will happen or how it'll change, all I know is something needs to happen. Something needs to change. I love you so much, but I need to help myself."

Paul was Shocked and at the same time struck by the sadness he felt for her. "Steph no that is not a solution" he replied, his voice thick. He walked over to her trying to embrace her, while she just broke down. She crumbled and both were torn apart. They held onto each other and Paul kissed her, intensely, kissed her for the past troubled year they've been through, and for the coming period of time that he will not get to do that whenever he wants. He grabbed her and laid her on the bed, and as without a word they made love for the first time in almost a year. It was a bittersweet ending as he didn't know what would happen after this. Where would it lead? Was she still unsure about her decision and could he change her mind?

...

He woke up early, seeing her tussled hair woke him up in a sharp panic of reality. What had she been last night? How could she even speak like that? He enjoyed the light and easy warmth of her body, hoping it would last as long as possible before she woke up and they had to face what had been said before. He lightly nuzzled her as she moaned and gently woke up.

"Hey" he whispered staring at her face, searching for the first expression to imply that she would take it all back.

"Hey" she whispered.

"Steph, I'm so glad that we finally have gotten over this nonsense."

She frowned, and then gently moved away from him, guiltily. This was the worst thing she could have done. She was meant to be taking time for herself, but instead only threw herself deeper into the situation.

"Paul I...Paul...sweetheart" she stroked his face gently, "...I need this...I meant what I said...and it doesn't mean I've stopped loving you...but I need this. And you need to start understanding what I'm going through more. I'm not being "crazy" or "exaggerating" this is controlling my life and I want to become better."

Paul got up sharply, "...right because this all about what you want!...haven't I been patient...haven't I been good enough? Of course I have! I've tried everything...everything! and to tell you the truth I'm getting sick and tired of it too."

She rapidly started crying "Paul..." He didn't reply and slammed the door to the bathroom.

All the bags were packed downstairs at her parent's house and the girls were dressed. Paul and Stephanie stumbled around each other trying to avoid one another as they briskly got ready. He grabbed the bags and walked to take them to the car.  
Linda realised there was less than a cheery disposition in the air. You could feel the tension.  
"Is Paul alright? Something happen?"  
"No ma, I'm off, I'll see you soon." She said quietly, as she kissed her and they left. The house empty and quiet.


End file.
